Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love
I'm covering this theory as I have personally found it helpful in understanding my personal relationship and have often mentioned it when chatting with friends who were having problems understanding love and what love is, particularly in long term relationships.
The theory was developed by the psychologist Robert Sternberg. At the core of the theory is the view that love has 3 components.
- Passion which encompasses feelings of romance, physical attraction and the urge to have sex.
- Intimacy which, in this case, refers to the urge to be close and connected with someone at a deep, emotional level.
- Commitment which refers to the drive to be in a long-term relationship with another.
These parts could be combined to characterise eight types of love varying from non-love (none of the elements present) through to consummate love (all three parts present).
Sternberg viewed all 3 components as being important to relationships and, crucially, believed that their importance changed across the course of a relationship. Early stages of a relationship would primarily be concerned with passion, beginning with physical attraction and progressing into sentiments of romance. As the relationship developed further, intimacy would become of greater importance and passion would diminish in importance, as the couple get to know each other and wish to bond ever more closely. Eventually, commitment would become the most important aspect, when the early stages of passion had steadied down and emotional intimacy had been established.
Fascinatingly, this offers a possible explaination of why some relationships might fail. It's difficult to assess any one individual in any particular relationship as their feelings will naturally follow the relationship course and be more caught up in passion in the early days. However it is apparent that if a person is 'addicted' to the passionate stage of relationships, then they are unlikely to be able to pass through the intimacy stage to the commitment phase, and if they do they will remain susceptible to being attracted to the passionate phase.
Now passion can still be achieved in long-term relationships, however it's less the main focus and (based on my experience (I'm male by the way!)) it takes a little effort (a romantic meal out, a romantic gift, perhaps a short break). For someone who seeks a whole relationship this is perfectly acceptable but you can imagine that anyone who is mainly focussed on passion may end up believing that they can only achieve this by leaving their long-term partner or having an affair.
The moral of this story is that, in my view, love is not just the passionate love that gets equated with sex in the early phases of a relationship, it's something deeper and more abiding. However it does still cover passion, although this occasionally takes a bit of effort. So if your long term relationship could do with a bit of a boost, why not have a special evening or weekend, and demonstrate to yourself and to your partner that, although other things may sometimes get in the way, the passion and intimacy are still there.
Sources:
Sternberg, R.J. (1986). A triangular theory of love. Psychological Review, 93, 119-135.The master copy of this essay is here and more articles on love, dating and romance are available from www.iloveyoulove.co.uk.