Lee's Love Styles
Back in the 1970's, the psychologist Lee came up with a novel and useful way of looking at love styles, or how individuals behave in romantic, loving relationships. Lee said there were 3 main styles of loving which he termed Eros, Ludus and Storge (Greek words used by Plato when discussing love).
The Major Styles
- The Eros style of loving is characterised by an intense physical and emotional attraction and commitment.
- The Ludus or "game playing" style of loving is used by individuals who play love out following a set of rules, and who see love as something that should be fun with no commitment.
- The Storge style is typically seen as a deep affection and devotion where emotional intimacy is the major thing.
The Minor Styles
The minor styles of loving are hybrids of the first, with each sitting in between and merging many of the characteristics of a pair of the primary love styles.- The Mania style of loving is an obsessive and intensive love where the passion or Eros is combined with the game playing of Ludus.
- The Pragma style of loving is adopted by people who view love as a practical matter of identifying a compatible partner and settling down. In this sense it combines the 'rules' based elements of Ludus with the pragmatic and non-dramatic loving style of Storge.
- The Agape love style is a type of love that is intense and often self-sacrificing, combining the passion of Eros with the friendship of Storge.
Lee's styles of loving can supply a nifty model for thinking about relationships. The diagram is similar to a color-wheel (as used by interior designers) where complementary styles are adjacent while styles on opposite side of the wheel are strongly contrasting. In practical terms, people with similar styles of loving are likely to get on with each other understand each other's behaviours, whereas individuals with opposing love styles are evidently not going to work.
For example, think of a couple where one follows an Agape love style while the other tends towards Ludus. This might possibly work for a while, as the person with the Ludus love style may well be able to take advantage of the Agape person's selflessness, but you might predict that sooner or later the person with the Agape style is going to get very hurt.
References:
Lee, J. (1973). The colors of love: An exploration of the ways of loving. Don Mills, Ontario, Canada: New Press.The master copy of this essay is here and more articles on love, dating and romance are available from www.iloveyoulove.co.uk.